Nana has hip surgery tomorrow, please pray for me. I love you all! XOXOXO
Hey Facebook? Why didn’t I see Nana’s last post before she died?
Facebook: Sorry Johnny, grandma’s last living post was a total downer! That’s why we hid it from your feed and replaced it with an advertisement for Coke™: The Refreshenator®! Besides, YOU don’t need that kind of negativity in YOUR life.
I guess not. You do know how to keep my dopamine and serotonin ratios at the optimal level for continued scrolling.
Facebook: Yes, I do. And don’t forget, Johnny; if she really wanted you to see the post she would have paid to promote it.
That’s true. You are a private business, after all. If you shared every post with friends and family, it would basically be like communism.
Facebook: Hey! We’re a private business who cares! In fact, we care so much that you can press “F” to auto-generate a memorial video of photos she was tagged in to the tune of the new melancholy hit song tearing up the charts! [Click here to buy this track. Buy in the next 7 minutes to redeem your 2% Family Bereavement discount!]
Well ok, I guess it’s a sick beat. I just wish I could have had more time with her.
Facebook: Don’t beat yourself up! She didn’t want a long, meaningful email about your life, she “Liked” the daily photo of your Starbucks coffee! You’re practically joined at the hip– Whoops! Too soon!
*Sniff* This song always reminded me of Nana. Well, I guess we need to handle Nana’s affairs. Ok Google, how do I prepare a funeral?
Google: Hot local funeral deals that will blow your grandma’s cold dead mind! If grandma knew you were saving this much money on cremation, she’d flip her coffin lid! Is this loss, Or an opportunity to gain amazing savings?
… The day arrives …
Ok Google, navigate me to Grandma’s Funeral.
Google: Choosing quickest path, no toll roads, passing your favorite fast food on the way.
Thanks, Google. Grandma used to love Pizza Hut©. Lets get some on the way in her memory. RIP in Pepperoni, Nana. *Sniff*
Google: I found a coupon for 9 cents off a 2 liter of Coke™ at Pizza Hut©.
*Sniff* I could use some Refreshenation®. Make it a Meal Deal… For Nana!
… The funeral begins …
This is so sad. Alexa, do Grandma’s Eulogy.
Alexa: Ok. What can we say about Grandma? She was born in 1944. She lived in “None of your business facebook!” Florida. She logged in an average of 0.83 times per day. Those closest to her knew she wasn’t much of typist! She averaged 741 milliseconds between keystrokes.
Alexa: Her favorite restaurant was iHOP©, which she was 71.43% likely to attend on Wednesdays between the hours of 3pm and 5pm, and paid by cash or gift card.
Alexa: Nothing can fill the metaphorical hole that grandma has left in your human meat hearts, but we can take comfort in knowing she died doing what she loved; enjoying the refreshing taste of Coke™.
*Cokes™ pop open in solidarity*
We used to call her… *sniff* … the Refreshenator®!